The Niantic River Sculling Warthogs were formed in 1999. They are an elite group of superb bullshitters who are peerless in their ability to generate excuses for poor performance. This art is so well developed that they can routinely put forward half a dozen well-resoned excuses as to why they will row poorly before even putting the boat in the water. It is invidious to pick out any one hog for his ability to explain ineptitude, but I do think the candle has to go to Ed Monahan (aka Monahog). He has, amongst other notable achievements, been know to win trophies in races in which he finished dead last. He was so far behind that most thought (or wished) that he actually was dead. He has amassed more medals without actually winning a race than any other Masters sculler in the North East. I could go on to include other hogs and will probably do so in the near future. Let me now pass over the baton to one on my fellow hogs, Lance Johnson, who succinctly captured the sprirt of the hogs in this article from the local newspaper, the award-winning DAY newspaper of New London...

Motley crew going nowhere but having fun By Lance Johnson © The Day Publishing Company, New London, Connecticut IT ALL BEGAN A FEW YEARS AGO when Ed Monahan of Ledyard bought a tired four-person sculling boat called a quad, which is not unlike the four-person boats that high school and college crews use, but rigged for more oars. Since then there have been many boats, many miles rowed and many adventures, and last year in search of an identity as scurrilous as our hopes, we became The Niantic River Sculling Warthogs. We are four mismatched rowers getting on in years with big expectations, average athletic skills and a large appetite for muffins after questionable early morning workouts. I proudly admit that I am a Sculling Warthog. Jack Sauer, a photographer for this newspaper also is a Warthog, though it has taken him some time to warm up to the name. Ian Williams of Stonington, whose British accent adds cachet to the boat, rounds out the foursome. When weíre about to hit another crew, he might yell, ìGet out of the bloody way, you... .î It was Ian, upon seeing a live warthog during travels in Africa, who insisted upon the name. He probably thought it looked like a composite of all of us, though I think it favors Mr. Monahan. Our first boat was a trusty 1970s Donoratico located by Ed, who cruises the classifieds in search of ancient bargain craft. The phrase ìneeds workî intrigues him, although his boats seem to live on in much the condition they were found, with tape holding their decks together and their hulls in need of paint or varnish. The Donoratico came in two pieces and we would bolt it together at races, to the astonishment of college rowers who had only seen elite craft that came in one piece. It was about twice the weight of the new boats we raced against, but provided an excuse for failure. Ed, thought trained as a scientist, said that once it got moving it might be faster than lighter boats. He would talk about things like viscosity, weight, hull length, width and mass. We would ask Ed to row harder. We hit little with the Donaratico ñ we couldnít get it to go fast enough to do damage. It wasnít until Ian bought an expensive light weight double and later an ultra-light Hudson quad that the trouble began. During one race, we struck one dock and crossed the river and hit another. No, there was no fog. Such is the peril of not facing in the direction that youíre headed. Once as we were gaining on a boat ahead, we heard, ìStop. We are a fixed craft! WE ARE A FIXED CRAFT!î We were a bit off course and the shouting was from the race officialís launch anchored in our path. And during warm-ups we ran the shiny new Hudson quad, named after explorer Capt. Sir Richard F. Burton, onto a gravelly shore before a race had even started. We faced a $1,100 repair bill, the beginning of a long relationship with a Mystic boat repair shop. Burton, ever the adventurer, would have been proud. Quads and doubles are rather long and when on top of a truck they seem even longer. Thatís why it didnít really surprise us when we drove a boat into the mirror of a Greyhound bus while turning into a crowded gas station. And when we backed a truck over another rowerís boat at a race, it was plain to us that he shouldn't have left it on the ground in the first place. When a gust of wind knocked a boat off its supports on a windy day, we drove it directly to the shop to have two holes fixed, not forgetting to inquire whether repair rate is affected by frequency of damage. None of this has destroyed our appetite for rowing. Jan, who makes the muffins, is Jackís wife and puts up with us from spring through fall. After rowing we sit in their back yard and admire Janís gardens and talk about many subjects, some of which we know a lot about, and some very little. For instance, we recently learned that Ed is one of the few individuals on Earth who has been bitten by a Seeing Eye dog. But mostly we talk boats. Part of our training is eating, and when Ian announces that the night before he ate a bucket of mashed potatoes, a whole chicken and drank a bottle of wine, we know we are ready for a good performance. Once, while traveling to an out-of-state race, we toasted the next morningís competition with Bombay Sapphire martinis. In the middle of the race, we came to the conclusion that it had been a bad decision, though it seemed perfectly logical at the time. So the sculling Warthogs are planning the 2001 season. We may win some races, place in the medals in others, and lose many. Our advantage is that our collective age is 53, which means that we are awarded handicaps against much younger crews. The drawback is that, even with the handicap, the only way we could beat a boat of 30-year-olds is to run them over. But for that, our history proves weíre very well trained. 1. The Day Publishing Company, New London, Connecticut The Niantic River Sculling

The detailed exploits of the Niantic River Sculling Warthogs are amusingly recounted in a book entitled "Rowing Retrospections" and written by Ed Monahan. The book is available from Warthog Tales Press as detailed under the Purchase Books button.