Chapter 4. Do you have this Horse in any other Color? Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. W. C. Fields So far, I have talked about the competence, or lack thereof of riders, well at least Gerry’s and mine, as being a source of some danger. I have also spoken a bit about bad luck, as in Sabine’s case and about the competence of the African animals in their ability to give you a run for your money. Now, much as in real estate location, I come to the three most important factors in African horse safaris – the horse, the horse, and the horse. The very concept of me choosing a horse is a terrible conceit. Firstly, I am singularly ill equipped to do it since I lack both equine knowledge and experience; secondly the whole operation is carefully controlled by the guides who, in most cases, care about your health and well-being (note the insertion of the qualifying sub-clause) and thirdly, the horse invariably chooses you. The method for selecting (a.k.a getting assigned) a horse is rather like finding a partner at a high school dance. The punters (boys) approach the horses (girls) with a lot of nervous chatter and bravado. Tales of former mounts and “bad draws" are bandied around. The horses for their part, having seen it all before, cast wary, experienced, and knowing looks at the punters. Onto this charged scene strides the safari leader (officiating parent). He or she is an expert in child and horse psychology. The substrate they have to work with is unusual. Before arrival, most horse safaris ask you to fill out a form outlining your previous experience. Punters invariably overstate their competence in the hope of getting a decent draw, namely a horse that will go but not kill them. The safari leader knows this and discounts the information. He casts a knowing eye over the punters, listens to their self-described skills and matches steed with punter. A particularly poignant moment for me in the trauma of horse selection occurred not in Africa but in the foothills of the Andes in Ecuador. We had gone to ride on the volcanoes outside Quito. We arrived at the hacienda of the daughter of a former president of Ecuador. Her husband, Alphonse, was a romantic and had beautiful Andalusians. We were all assigned horses, one by one, and like the pimply, shy boy at the dance, I was the last to be matched up. I approached my horse and it promptly reared up like Silver on a Lone Ranger outtake. I backed off and tried once more with the same result. I then told Alphonse, no way José (as it were). I came to find out that he routinely injected all his horses with testosterone before arrival of guests "just to give them an edge"! Back in Africa the aspiration of every punter is to get that mythical creature, rarer than a unicorn, namely a horse with nerves of steel, a kind, gentle demeanor, a lovely walk and trot and sure footedness above all else. It is difficult to discern these attributes by inspection from the ground. However, one can infer their absence by the presence of, amongst other things, lion claw marks on the hose's rump. This is usually a very good sign that the horse is going to be a bit edgy. This is not too surprising; you would probably be a bit edgy if you had been jumped on by a lion that then left his claw marks in your buttocks. Another good indication that you are in for some fun is the way the guides describe your horse. Here is a little phrasebook you may wish to copy and take with you on your next trip.                 Guide speak                                                      English “He likes to be in front”                                              Uncontrollable “Watch out for X”                                                      X will kick the shit out of you “Don’t let him paw the ground”                                   He will roll over every chance he gets “Keep your leg on”                                                     He won’t move unless chased by a lion “He’s a little shy”                                                       Has been chased by a lion “He’s got a lovely walk”                                             He has a terrible jog-trot “Be light on his back”                                                 He will buck if a fly lands on him “This is his first year carrying guests”                          God help you